Mar 01 2010
5.10 Writing News Stories 4- rewrite
One student remains in critical condition and two others were admitted and released at separate times to a local hospital early Sunday morning due to alcohol poisoning.
Press Martin, from New Hampshire, Al Amalek, from Tennessee and Rob Smith, from Fairfax, were the three students from the Alpha Beta Zeta fraternity, that were involved the recent rise in alcohol related hospitalizations. The current University policy has alcohol banned from fraternity houses located on campus property or within campus environs.
A representative of the University confirmed that the ABZ students were diagnosed with alcohol poisoning. “A number of witnesses say alcohol was being consumed by them. Based on that we are suspending the fraternity and all its activities on campus,” the representative cites. Jan Mize in the university public relations department commented that usually these circumstances results in about a year suspension.
“We wholeheartedly agree with President Smithville that alcohol has no place at fraternity parties,” Interfraternity Council president Bart Addison said in an issued statement. To discourage other students from drinking at fraternity houses the University might increase its police patrols of fraternity houses on the weekends.
Addison is planning on asking for the president’s reconsidering of the suspension. “However, I do not believe that the entire fraternity should be held responsible for the actions of a few,” Addison commented.
Your lead is a little confusing, although it gets the info across in the end.
One student remains in critical condition [AT A LOCAL HOSPITAL,] and two others were admitted and released, [AFTER SUFFERING] alcohol poisoning [AT AN OFF-CAMPUS PARTY, THIS WEEKEND UNIVERSITY OFFICIALS SAID].
But still that lead could pack more info in, like the fact that the frat has been suspended.
Press Martin, from New Hampshire[;] Al Amalek, from Tennessee[;] and Rob Smith, from Fairfax[,] three [members of] Alpha Beta Zeta fraternity, [MAKE MORE ACTIVE were hospitalized early Sunday morning]. The current University policy has alcohol banned from fraternity houses located on campus property or within campus environs. [THIS SENTENCE ISN’T THAT NEWSY. BY NOW YOU SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED THE SUSPENSION, PLUS WHICH ONE IS STILL IN CRITICAL CONDITION.]